‘Madam, we have deemed you an incapable driver’

After a fairly non-eventful trip to Lilongwe we ran into a spot of trouble with the police as we entered the city…The road split into two and on the left hand side I could see a no-entry sign a little further down so I opted for the right hand lane, which I immediately regretted as I saw a truck coming up the other way and then, a little further on, two fluorescent police jackets.

As I pulled over and came to a stop (the backseat seat drivers stifling giggles), I poked my head out the window and greeted Officer 1 with my best Chichewa. After the pleasantries were over, he asked for my driving licence which I fished out and gave him with big wide eyes and a nice ‘please don’t be mean to me’ smile. He sauntered round to the windscreen to check the tax disc etc while Officer 2 kept an eye on me in the wing mirror.

Officer 1 then came back and with a face that was giving nothing away, said,

‘Madam, we were very surprised to see you on the wrong side of the road, what were you doing up there?

Me: I was very surprised to find myself there too, Officer.’ I replied, surprising myself at the semi-witty joke even though it was no time for joking!!

Officer 1: Madam, do you know what happens when people drive on the wrong side of the road?

Me: Yes, yes I do. They can cause bad crashes and if they are seen they can be told that they are doing the wrong thing and they can feel very sorry for what they have done and will learn quickly never to do it again.

Officer 1: Yes, and what else…

Me: Umm, they can get hurt in these accidents and feel very sorry that misunderstood the signs’

Officer 1: Yes, and what else…

Me: Umm, errr….

Officer 1 : Madam, you were driving was an offence and have been caught by the arm of the government. It is very serious and we have deemed you an incapable driver on this occasion – do you know what this means?

Oh bugger, bugger, bugger I thought to myself – big fine coming up – lets see if I can do some damage control before I fish out the mega-bucks.

Me: ‘I do know what it means but I would like to say that I got very confused by the road signs, they were not clear to me and I am very sorry for what I’ve done – pepani, pepani…’

Officer 1: These signs are not unclear, have you been in Lilongwe before?

Me: No, no. (cue the big, innocent eyes again) This is our first time.

Officer 1: I see…

Gabbling like a fool, not giving him time to get a word in, I rolled out the whole VSO story – we’re working here as Doctors and Nurses, saving your people’s lives and healthcare system, for free…blah, blah, blah!

He softened up a bit and after a few more pepanis and some yes, sir, no sir, I’ve learnt my lesson, sir he let us go. Phew!

A collective sigh of relief all around!